my vag is so smooth its legendary
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
