Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
