I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
