birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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