pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
