my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
