I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My bed smells like the plague
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