life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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