i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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