____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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