super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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