i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need to align my fucking chakras
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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