I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
