Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
