ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
