my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
