I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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