So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize