who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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