There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
