So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
