If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize