I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
