i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Did I show you my penis last night?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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