I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
