just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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