Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
