I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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