guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
