We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
