Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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