How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
