I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
