Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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