did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
