i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
