Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Is it because I queefed?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
