I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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