I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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