Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I could make wine with my vomit
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
