My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's never too late to be topless.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
