There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
