the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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