He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
