I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
