this beer tastes like vomit already
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
