He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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