I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
