omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
