I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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