I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
