Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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