I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
