so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
