This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
