If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
