I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
