Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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