mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
