i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize