Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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