I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my phone needs a breathalizer
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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