did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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