i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dignity is for republicans.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
