I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
