An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
