Don't make out with my wife yet
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
