You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
